Teng – A dawn of CNX

It’s my first experience

The biggest change of my life happened around midnight on March 23, 2024, when I visited a host bar in Chiang Mai called SoulMate. I went with a Burmese friend who can speak Thai because most of the guests at the host bar primarily speak the local language. A host bar is a type of nightclub that employs primarily handsome male staff and caters to women and gay men seeking drinks and attentive conversation. SoulMate is one of a handful of host bars in Chiang Mai.

During my visit, as it was my first experience, I was surprised to see handsome guys serving ladies and gay men. I took a table and bought a bottle of Sangsom. I then chose a guy whose number was 70. On the stage, there were many guys with numbers ranging from 1 to 105. I chose number 70 because he looked good at first glance. He sat beside me, and we drank together. Initially, we had little conversation because I couldn’t speak Thai and he wasn’t fluent in English. Our conversation was not smooth due to the language barrier, so we had to talk to each other by typing on Google Translate. It worked! Haha. However, after an hour, his time was up, and he bid farewell to me and returned to the stage. I had to re-choose from the many numbers. I re-chose number 70 along with numbers 54 and 79, as they caught my eye.

I’m not sure about the third or fourth round, but my eyes finally caught onto number 44, and he is the main character of this chronicle. I chose him as the last number for that night. Together with these numbers, I had a lot of fun and felt like it was the happiest drinking experience of my life. I’ve lived in Thailand for two years and had never had this experience before, nor had I ever heard of a host bar. It’s cool, and drinking with selected handsome guys is something I had never felt before. For one hour, it costs 265 baht per person. That night, I called four guys to drink with me. They were very friendly and good at service. They are also good at talking to customers, but I couldn’t understand their good conversation because of the language problem. So, we talked a little and drank more. Ha ha.

With unexpected fun, my alcohol limit rose higher and higher, and I spent a lot of money tipping them many times. I recall that my total spending that night was over 30,000 baht. I called the same numbers for the next two rounds before the club closed at 5 a.m. I could hug them and touch them. Later, I asked them to take off their shirts and requested that they dance. They danced for me as well. At one point, number 44 lost his iPhone, and I could see he was distressed about it. I noticed his worry and tried to help him search, but he stopped looking and sat with me. That’s when I focused on his face and realized he was a cool and handsome guy.

From then on, he started to live in my heart. He was my last choice number on my first visit to the club. Later, he found his phone in his jacket that he had taken off for me. That night, I added his Line account and sent “..” as a test message. He replied with a sticker of a bear holding many hearts. Then I left the club, as it was nearly closing time.

The next morning, after I woke up, I found a new message on my Line at 12:21 PM from number 44. He asked, “Hiii, are you okay?” I felt very satisfied that he was the first to check on me among all the numbers from SoulMate. He was my last-choice number and the first to talk to me personally. He deeply placed himself in my mind. I wanted to know more about him and decided to continue talking. I thanked him for asking and told him I had a headache from drinking too much the night before.

He then suggested I take paracetamol, showing me his own paracetamol pills. We talked about a lot of things. He told me he was 20 years old, and I told him I was 5 years older than him. I also learned that he had been working at SoulMate for only five days before I visited. I felt sad that he was still a kid and working in nightlife. Since he is new to nightlife, he could still revise his decision. I’m not sure why he chose this job, but he is so cute and polite, and I’m happy to talk with him.

He said he likes to eat Khao soi, a Northern Thai dish. He said to me, ‘You so cute‘ and ‘You are very cute, enjoyable.

Lol, I didn’t dare accept his kind words because I’m not as cute as he said, but I loved hearing these kind words from a stranger for the first time. I have never forgotten what he said since then.  We discussed many things, and I started to learn more about him.

 

Name origin

His name is Kittiphat Sukkham (กิตติพัฒน์ สุขคำ). Sukkham is the family name. กิตติ (Kitti) means “fame” or “glory” in English, and พัฒน์ (Phat or Pat) means “development” or “progress.” So, his given name, กิตติพัฒน์ (Kittiphat), can be interpreted as “progress in fame” or “development of glory.” I can’t trace back the root of his family name, “Sukkham”.

In Thailand, surnames were introduced in the early 20th century and are often unique due to legal requirements. This uniqueness means that even less common surnames can be meaningful and may indicate regional origins, professions, or other ancestral details. I have more information about his family, but for privacy reasons, I don’t want to write here.

His nickname is Teng (pronounced in Burmese as ‘တိမ်’), which loosely translates to ‘cloud’ in Burmese. He has two other nicknames: Why, which he uses on his Instagram, and Hi, which he uses at work. He wanted me to call him Teng.

 

Background

Teng is from Mengrai, Phaya Mengrai District, Chiang Rai province, which is close to Chiang Mai and also near my country, Myanmar. I don’t know the origin of his family, but according to Teng, his mother is from Chaiyaphum province. Teng once said his childhood days were spent in Chaiyaphum, though I’m not sure if he was born there. I think his father is from Chiang Rai, and his mother may have relocated there, where Teng was possibly born. According to my research, his mother graduated with a degree in Sociology of Agriculture and Cooperatives from Sukhothai Thammathirat Open University, the only open university in Thailand, located in Nonthaburi.

He has an older brother and a younger sister. Teng once said his brother is not a clever guy. Curious to know what his brother looks like and if he looks like Teng, I searched for his brother’s picture on social media. I found out that he is not as handsome as Teng. Teng inherited his mother’s beauty and looks like her. His mother is a pretty lady with a cool, temperate appearance. Her smile is warm, and I’m sure Teng’s childhood was filled with her warmth. I have looked at Teng’s childhood photo, and his childhood face is even cuter than his present one, with his smile being so adorable and innocent. I love his childhood smile.

Teng was born on July 4, 2003, which was a Friday. He falls under the zodiac sign of Cancer ♋︎ and the Chinese zodiac sign of the Goat 𓃶. His ruling planet is the Moon. Someone born on July 4, 2003, would have a Nakshatra based on Vedic astrology. For that date, I can look up the specific Nakshatra:

He currently studies economics under the Faculty of Management Science at Rajabhat University, a private university in Chiang Mai. I believe that during the writing of this chronicle, he was waiting to start his second year of education. He lives near his university, and I have visited him there once.

I can see Teng has a hobby in modeling, and he is tall, 6′, I believe. He has competed in local modeling contests such as FMS Super Starlight 2022, held by Chiang Mai Rajabhat University. He emerged as the winner. This event aimed to find student representatives to serve as activity ambassadors for the Faculty of Management Sciences at Chiang Mai Rajabhat University for the year 2022. These ambassadors will represent the student body in promoting various activities and serve as the faculty’s brand ambassadors.

The same year, he also participated in Mister Global Thailand 2022, representing Nakhon Pathom province. I don’t know why he is representing Nakhon Pathom instead of his hometown, Chiang Rai.

I knew Teng had at least 4 or 5 girlfriends in the past. He broke up with his last one in 2023. He told me his last girlfriend was cheating and left him. Teng seemed to have been in pain for at least 4-6 months, and he now has trauma, making it difficult for him to love again. I don’t want to ask for the full story because it’s deeply personal, and I’m not interested in his past relationships.

Appearance

I would describe his physical appearance at the time as,

“He stood tall, dressed in a shirt as white as freshly fallen snow. His skin had a warm, golden hue, and his eyes sparkled with a mischievous, magnetic charm. His hands were elegant and strong. I found his presence to be a bright light, overwhelming and guiding my own destiny.”

Actually, he’s not my type; I don’t know why he came to mind. He’s both cute and handsome. To me, his most attractive time was when he was a youth in school. Now that he’s older, his youthful look has changed a bit. One day, I closely looked at his face and noticed some scars. They marred his pretty face but still made him handsome. According to my beauty standards, his good looks have gone from 90% to 80%.

I asked him what happened, and he told me he had a major motorcycle accident in Chiang Mai last year at night. The person who hit him didn’t try to help him get to the hospital; they just left him by the road. How cruel! I was shocked to hear this and felt angry. If I had known Teng at the time, I would have helped take revenge on the person who hurt him. But Teng didn’t investigate the unknown perpetrator and chose to forgive him. I can see the accident nearly killed Teng and badly hurt his whole body. It took him a long time to recover. It’s so sad.

However, I love his scars and often touch them when we meet. His physique is impressive; he boasts strong shoulders and arms, powerful thigh muscles, and a slight six-pack. He looks very attractive to me.

 

My Opinions and Feelings on His Personality

My bond with Teng has deepened significantly through my frequent visits to SoulMate. The sole reason for my visits is Teng himself; I eagerly anticipate seeing him each time. During my visits, I have eyes only for him; I have no desire to engage with other host bars. However, I am mindful of not causing discomfort among the other numbers, so I make an effort to interact with them as well during my visits. This has significantly increased my spending at the club, with a single visit often resulting in a bill exceeding 20,000 baht. Over the course of three months, my total spending at SoulMate has surpassed 350,000 baht.

Even though it costs a lot of money, I think it’s worth it every time I see Teng’s face.

Because I am shy and reserved in my affection for him, I often avoid initiating hugs. I’m afraid he won’t like it, but he always lets me hug him. I have always given Teng a high number of drink shots (one shot is equivalent to 265 baht) whenever I visit. Sometimes, I give him a “whole night drink” (equivalent to 30 drink shots, costing 7,950 baht per night). When he receives a one-night shot, he can rest and visit me for the entire night at other places, such as nightclubs or bars. However, despite giving him one-night shots more than five times, I only chose for him to rest and never got the chance to visit another place with him. On one occasion, he refused to go because he felt ill. I understood and became too shy to ask again in the future.

Most of my money is spent on him, with only a little on other numbers. Sometimes, I went to a huge nightclub called Tha Chang with Teng and other numbers like 54, 17, and 70. The first time visiting Tha Chang with them was so enjoyable, and I made unforgettable memories.

Over time, I started to feel that Teng’s personality was very strange. Despite being a strong-minded observer, I can’t fully understand him. He is very good to me only at SoulMate. I think the reason for his kindness might include the influence of alcohol or spending money. Outside of SoulMate, he seems like a different person. This might be because he has no personal time, working from 9 pm to 5 am each day, sleeping at 10 am, and waking up in the afternoon or evening.

Then he goes to a gym called Hug around 7 p.m., and after his workout, he prepares for work again. It makes me sad to see that he has no time for anything else. His life seems to be an endless cycle of exhaustion.

I have never been involved in his personal life activities, even though we are very close friends. I never feel like I’m his close friend; I know I’m his backup friend or a one-time-use friend. In my view, he is my only close friend. If I have to admit the truth, calling him a friend is a “proxy”, because I deeply and secretly love him. He knows I’m homosexual and how much I love him. I swear, I never expected him to love me back. I’m completely satisfied with his friendship.

However, I can’t express my love for him publicly because I follow the rule of nature that a man can’t love another man. If they do, it can never be true love and will only be temporary. The main fact is that Teng is straight, and I’m lucky to be close to him. That is more than enough for me.

Even though I knew I was receiving mixed signals from him, I still enjoyed his lies and continued to go along with it. Sometimes, I felt sad about our superficial friendship. I knew some of his feelings for me might be real, but most were just an act.

Over time, my pain and sadness grew, and I started feeling unstable. I broke all my personal rules and the “inner court rules” set by my cousin Shweyee, who lives in Singapore and works as a public policy manager at Meta Singapore. Along with my cousin Shweyee, my mentor Wera, and my former colleague Su Myat, we were known as the “Four Pure Ones”. We are minor influential figures in Myanmar, capable of addressing Facebook issues, and even Myanmar’s Ministry of Technology invited us to help them. All my job flows were taught by my mentor and supported by my cousin. They are my main sources of wealth and pride. Now we are separated, with one in Singapore, one in the U.S., and one in China.

Before I met Teng, my life was peaceful and problem-free. I had found inner peace in my life. But now, I often feel angry and jealous when Teng is at work. Falling in love with a nightlife worker was the biggest mistake of my life. If I had loved a regular guy, I wouldn’t have felt these foolish things.

My advice to readers is not to fall in love with nightlife hosts; you can die of jealousy.

As a bar host, Teng allows customers to touch his body, kiss him, and do other inappropriate things. He may accept this as part of his job, but I can’t. Thinking about it every day makes me feel like I’m in hell and losing my mind. I try to understand his work, but I can’t fully accept it.

I know Teng doesn’t want to do this job. He works because of financial needs or family matters. Teng is a good guy who helps his family. One reason he does this job is to pay for his father’s medical costs, possibly for back-bone surgery.

Teng may have other customers like me. I don’t care who they are.  Sometimes Teng makes himself cheap. When we went to Tha Chang, upon leaving the club, some gays approached him for his Line account, and Teng easily gave it to them. I was shocked and disappointed by his actions.

In other countries, such behavior may be considered shameful and would be blamed by others. The LGBTQ issue is super strong in Thailand, where many gay individuals hold significant influence and wealth, allowing them to easily control handsome guys like Teng. I dislike the idea of gay people having excessive power within a country; it can lead to downfall and imbalance for nature.

Over three months with Teng, I’ve noticed that our cultures are very different. Some things he does I can’t accept because they go against my country’s traditions. So, we argue a lot, even online. I’m starting to feel bad about him. It’s making it hard for me to do my job and sleep well because I can’t stop thinking about it. I would describe these days of overthinking as “nightmares” and “hell”. I’ve experienced several moments of mental pain and downfall myself, and so I’ve tried to leave him, but it hasn’t worked. He can’t understand how much I’m hurting because of him.

So, I told my cousin Shweyee about everything, and she also thinks it’s a bad idea to be friends with Teng. She thinks our friendship isn’t real and that I’ll end up in a lot of pain and embarrassment. She described our friendship as “fake” and “a dagger under sweet words.” So, I promised her I’d stop being friends with Teng.

However, despite keeping my promise for a few days, I foolishly continued seeking happiness with Teng, even though I knew it was a mistake. My cousin is angry at my stupidity and won’t let me talk about it anymore.

For most of my life, I’ve dealt with a lot of stress and loneliness. I’ve always been focused on work, studies, and writing, and it’s true that my way of thinking might not be conventional. Then, one day, I found ‘a light’ (Teng) who knows my secrets and understands my reality. This is the first time I’ve experienced ‘real happiness’ and felt close to a guy who understands my reality.

That’s why it feels like I’m dreaming. He appears in many of my dreams, a sign of how attached he is to me. People are rarely seen in my dreams. I’m very afraid of losing him one day. I don’t want to turn my good dream into a nightmare.

“Is it a dream, or is it real? It is not necessarily a dream because it is a dream, and it is not necessarily true because it is true.”

Teng called me “childish“! Yes, I have to admit, I still feel a bit childlike at times, even at my age. However, I’m mature in other areas, like education and work. It seems I only show this childish side around him.

Sometimes I think I wouldn’t feel jealous and heartache if I didn’t know him.  That’s why I try to distance myself from him. Yes, I’m jealous, but I agree with the principles of equality between yin and yang, so I will never display any overly gay behavior in front of him.

Once, Teng shared a mindful quote with me because he noticed that I was still caught up in past pain. He stated,

“หากคุณมัวยึดติดกับอดีต คุณจะไม่มีทางโฟกัสกับปัจจุบัน และคุณจะสูญเสียอดีต!”

(Translation): “If you cling to the past, you will never be able to focus on the present, and you will lose the future!”

This quote emphasizes the importance of letting go of the past and living in the present moment. When we dwell on the past, we become trapped in regrets or nostalgia, which hinders our ability to fully engage with the present and shape a positive future.

He also told me,

“ทุกความสัมพันธ์ คนรัก ครอบครัว เพื่อน ต่างมีความสุข ความทุกข์กันเป็นเรื่องปกติ หากวันใดวันหนึ่งที่ต่างฝ่ายต่างไม่เข้าใจกัน เราควรที่จะพูดคุยกันและทำให้มันดีขึ้น ไม่ใช่มัวแต่ยึดติดกับอดีต นำอดีตเป็นบทเรียนในปัจจุบันและทำให้อนาคตมันดีขึ้น”

(Translation): “In every relationship, whether it’s with a romantic partner, family, or friends, there will be ups and downs. Misunderstandings are inevitable. However, instead of dwelling on past grievances, we should prioritize open communication and work towards resolving conflicts. By learning from the past and approaching the present with a positive mindset, we can pave the way for a brighter future.”

Sometimes, I’m radical and old-school. When I have free time from my work, I battle with my own mind over whether to continue talking to him or not. But every time, the desire to continue talking to him wins. However, I’m happy that I can own his time with limits at the Soulmate Night Club. It’s a blessing.

Now, our friendship is getting worse, and Teng seems annoyed and bored with me. I also felt depressed upon discovering some of his secrets that were told to me by someone and that I found out myself.

“Both of us, fallen from grace, wandering at the edge of the world, need not be old acquaintances to meet by chance.”

In early June, I decided to go to Singapore for my new journey. Actually, I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want to be distant from Teng. However, the saddest thing is that Teng never invited me to meet him. If we were close friends, he would have at least met me privately for a farewell and made me happy. Even my regular friends came to the airport to see me off, but Teng did nothing when I left.

So, I was correct in saying before that we were never close friends. Our connection was based on money. I hope he finds a good friend or customer in the future who, like me, never asked for anything related to sex or sexual favors. I did my best for him. Even though I’m a keen observer, I never understood his inner thoughts, and his mental behavior was very strange to me.

I think he might still be a child at heart, combined with nightlife. It is consuming him. I feel sorry for him.

During the early days of our friendship, Teng once said,

“I don’t want to argue with you. We should find reasons to talk if we are not satisfied with each other, because you are the most important person in my life. I don’t want to lose you.”

However, because of my arrogance and being trapped in past pain, I chose to lose him. He also lost me because of his broken promises to me.

So, I will never hear him call me ‘love love’ again.

‘love love’ was the first symbol of our friendship because he used this phrase when we talked for the very first time.

 

Is Teng a racist?

I felt he might be racist toward Burmese people, but I’m not sure. If my estimate is correct, he is a racist. I can see that he is impressed by Western men. He may dislike Burmese people because of the historical conflicts between Myanmar and Thailand dating back to the Toungoo dynasty. Siam was a vassal state of Burma in the past, and many Siamese still harbor resentment over these past conflicts. He might be one of them.

Another theory is that his hometown is very close to the Myanmar border, so he might be familiar with Burmese lifestyle and cultures and might not like it.

A stronger theory is that many Burmese have migrated to Thailand to work, and some have relocated due to Myanmar’s worsening political conflict and the great civil wars since the 2021 Myanmar coup d’état. For these reasons, 90% of Thais disdain Burmese people as low-level hard laborers. They need to know that not all Burmese in Thailand are blue-collar workers. Some are politicians, scholars, wealthy individuals, and students.

For instance, they cannot pity or look down on Rachel Tayza, the daughter of Tay Za, simply because she is a Burmese national.

For me, as a scholar, the reason for relocating to Thailand is temporary—to spend my money without having to work. I can easily move to other nations. I chose Thailand because the cost of living there is cheaper than in other countries, and I’m happy to spend money there. Lol

 

Items from Teng

I have an unusual hobby: I love to collect items from people who are important to me. One such item I’ve collected is Teng’s used tissue. The first item I received from Teng was an electronic cigarette with a mango flavor. We shopped for it together late at night on April 19, 2024, after returning from Tha Chang. He also enjoys the taste of mango. Although the e-cigarette is now empty, I still keep it.

Later, he gave me a small pink teddy bear as a gift. I cherish this bear and can detect the scent of the perfume he sprayed on it. The fragrance is sweet and makes me feel as though he is nearby. On the same day, he also brought fried pork with rice and chicken balls. I’ve kept the empty rice box as a memento.

This wasn’t the first time he’d brought me food; the first time, I believe, was when he gave me pre-made dumplings from 7-Eleven on April 2, 2024, during my visit to the SoulMate club. In June, I received his favorite jacket and later a plate inscribed with his work trademark number “44” as a gift to me.

I forgot to mention that I also received a necktie and a fancy hand-made rope that he made for me. The gift also included a small square iron plate inscribed with “PT44🍀”, which stands for ‘Pai and Teng (his work sign, 44) and the lucky symbol four-leaf clover🍀. However, before I left for Singapore in June 2024, we had many arguments, and I decided that I no longer wanted to be friends with him. I made the final decision to leave his world. So, I returned the items he gave me. Now, I have nothing that belongs to him.

 

Broken promises

I’ve fulfilled all the promises I made. The saddest thing about Teng is that he has never fulfilled my minor requests, which I could easily have done with other friends. Some of my requests were:

  • To visit the cinema
  • To visit Tha Chang with me, taking time off work without buying his time
  • To accompany me on my last trip to Mae Wang rafting

He has done nothing for me! Some requests may have accidentally not been done, which I can understand.

Accompanying me on my last trip was an important travel plan hosted by me to go to Mae Wang Elephant Sanctuary and do a rafting tour. I planned this because I had to go to Bangkok and then move to Singapore for a long time.

I spent a lot on this trip, and my plans were perfect. I rented two cars and bought expensive alcohol bottles and beers. I also invited friends numbered 54 and 17 because they are also my friends. My biggest priority was inviting number 54. I rented cars with his help. On the morning of the trip, he didn’t wake up, which caused a delay. My plan was ruined. I felt very angry with him. So, I had to proceed without him by renting a new car. I contacted Teng to go. Surprisingly, he refused to go with me, saying he wanted to wait for number 54 because he needed to get an item from him to give to me. It made no sense! Should he know the item is more important than me? Even though this trip was my last and important to me, how could he dare to refuse?

I was greatly shocked but kept calm. Sadly, I decided to go with my other friends without them. Number 17 drove the car, and we left from CNX. When we arrived outside CNX, I couldn’t control my sadness and anger. I couldn’t move forward with the trip. So, I apologized to my friends and requested that they continue without me. I left the car on a stretch of road and returned to my room by renting a Grab. When I returned to my room, my anger rose to the highest level, and my clothes were wet with tears. Due to the great shock and coming back from the hot outside, blood fell from my nose. I couldn’t control my anger for a long time, and I still haven’t forgotten about it to this day.

Number 54 later apologized to me, but I never accepted his apology, and I hate him so much for destroying my trip. At night, I visited the SoulMate club, and my love feelings temporarily shifted to the handsome number 109. I spent a lot on him that night instead of Teng. When I saw Teng that night, I couldn’t forgive him and chose to stay silent.

Under the influence of alcohol, my pain surfaced, and I couldn’t control my tears in front of many people. It was clear how much his actions hurt me! I avoided Teng for many days because of this incident.

However, on my birthday, May 20, he started talking to me on Instagram. By then, my anger had subsided, so I decided to talk to him. After talking a lot, we made peace, and I accepted him again.

I’m sure this incident is the greatest emotional damage I’ve ever experienced, and I still can’t heal.

In conclusion, it is clear that he never considered me his close friend, even though he always told me I was his only close one. How is that a joke? However, I’m okay with his lie. Despite the many times he embarrassed me, I still chose him. So, who is the arrogant one?

 

 

Sources:

Some contents of the article were copied from my own handbook, “The Great Characters I Have Ever Met in My Life” by Xiao Paing, which is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 (Unported) (CC-BY-SA 3.0) license.

®Referenced by my own evidence and research.